Summer's Signature Scent

Salesmen.

I hate salesmen with every fiber of my being.

Now, in a manner of speaking, I (as a barista) am a salesman.

Conveniently, I choose not to speak in that manner.

Just today, some dimwit walked into the coffee shop with no intention of buying coffee.  From the moment he walked in, I could tell he was extrovertly awkward as his eyes were a trifle too drowsy and his voice a trifle too loud (contrary to popular belief, those are the exact qualities of an awkward extrovert).  Immediately, I was expecting him to order some organic wheat-thins omega-fish-oil concoction, but instead I got this:

Him: I’m selling perfume samples, would you like to try any?

Me:  Oh, no thank you! I appreciate the offer, though.

Him: What kind do you like?

Me: Umm…  I don’t…  I don’t really wear any.  But thank you!

Him: Well, why don’t you look at our list and see if you see anything you like.

Me: I’m good, actually.

Him: Well! Would you like to smell good, too?

Me: I naturally smell good! *hair flip*

Random girl: All girls do, right?! High five!

Him: Well, I can’t really tell…  It smells like coffee.

Me: …

Now what I wanted to say was “EXCUSE ME, buddy! What exactly are you insinuating? Was I asking YOUR opinion? Because I smell like freaking daisies and you look like one of those hairless cats on a mood stabilizer! Oh, and you stink.  And possibly have cooties.”

But what I actually said was somewhere along the lines of “Oh, well, that’s my signature scent.  Okay, thanks, bye-bye.”

You know what his last words were before I practically shoved him out the door?

“You have a very nice smile, by the way.”

Hmm.  You make a very nice punching bag, by the way.

In any case!

I absolutely hate salesmen.  It seems you can’t walk around a store these days without hearing “are you finding everything okay?” “Oh, this would look great on you!” “Did you buy that here? It looks like you bought that here.” “Do you need that in another size?” That’s annoying enough, but do I go into their store and say “no thanks, but how would you like to buy this coffee? It’s really swell.  What’s that, you don’t like coffee? Well, this is coffee enjoyed by people who hate coffee! No, really, take this coffee.  Take it. Take it.  TAKE IT.” Attempting to sell a product in a place of business which generally conducts sales itself is completely inappropriate and more than a little obnoxious.

Therefore, I believe I have the right to take action.

From this day forth, any time a salesman attempts to push some product on me in MY coffee shop (or at least, the one I work in), I’ll say without hesitation “if you utter so much as ONE syllable, I’LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!”

And if they choose to proceed? Well…

I don’t believe in empty threats.

I do, however, believe that this moment deserves a “mwahahaha”.

Mwahahaha.

Less than three,

~ Summer

p.s. Today, one of my peers called my essay “excessively sarcastic.” I think my work in high school is done.