A beginner's guide to CA

I wish someone had made me a list of important things to know about NC, so I made a list about California. This list is not comprehensive and will not represent every Californian.

I felt like putting a disclaimer because I can never trust what I write at midnight on an airplane during a thunderstorm.

1.       California should actually be three states:

yah it's sideways. Guess what? I'm lazy and can't figure out how to fix it.

Here I have divided the State into Nor Cal, So Cal, and hell

Demographically this split makes sense, as evidenced by my red and blue paint.

2.       The cen coast secretly hopes that the Pacific plate will split from the North American.

The central coast is contained by the San Andreas fault. Hopefully, someday it will separate from the North American Plate and we can go hang with Hawaii. Alaska can come too.

3.       “said” is not grammatically correct. The correct form is “was like”

EX) Reg’s Friend: She was like dissing Fresno and then I was like, “Fresno’s not that bad of a place. Like, I mean, every city had bad streets and whatever so as long as I stay off of those”…and I’m like a Physical Therapy major. I could just like get some buff football guys to walk me everywhere!

Reg: Yah totally. I know what you mean. Fresno’s not that bad…My cousin loves it and she went to Fresno State. She even had her car hijacked by some gang an they used it in a crime spree then dropped it off abandoned in some other part of town a week later.

4.       Don’t expect women to eat. Ever.

It is socially unacceptable for single women to eat in the company of men. The only acceptable date food is a smoothie because:

a)      Jamba juice is cool.

b)      There is less chance of unattractive bits of food getting stuck in teeth

c)       We can pretend smoothies are healthy

5.       How much overpriced coffee you drink is directly proportional to how cool you are.

6.       The only acceptable fast food is In N Out

7.       We do have “hicks.”

 They are left over from when Spain was handing out thousands of acres like party favors. People still raise cattle on pieces of the old ranchos. Thus we have cowboys and country music.

8.       We are the rebellious teenager of American Law.

Due a legal system that has laws that apply only to individual states (state law) and laws that apply to the whole country (federal law,) sometimes these laws are contradictory. For example, medical marijuana is legal in California but not in the U.S.

9.       Cutoff denim shorts match everything.

      Stilettos, uggs, knee-high suede boots, cowboy boots. Anything.

10.      Moving here is difficult. Moving away is not.

      Unless you  just sold your summer home on the french riviera, buying a house in California will not be easy and you will lose money on the investment.

      Of course if you live here you could sell your ½ acre and two bedroom one bath house and     buy a two story manor in the Midwest.

Well there you are.

Why did I leave the best state in the US???

Your butterfly,
Reg