Why Reg loves long-distance relationships--or rather, why Reg is trying to convince herself she does

I thought I'd share my favorite things about long-distance relationships, based on my own experiences.

When I am writing this, I would like to specify that I mean the sort of dysfunctional long-distance relationship I am in--not functional long-distance relationships like Sayuri's amazing parents. I love them dearly and I envy their dedication and devotion. I cannot include anything about their relationship in the list because I believe the only thing they like about long-distance relationships is their other half and the relationship. They don't aspire to the ultimate goal of continuing the long-distance relationship, but of being together again.

1: No PDA. Ever.

I have difficulty receiving hugs from my relatives and some friends due to personal space issues (the video in the link pretty accurately shows how I feel about that.) Once I inadvertently attempted to smother a friend with a pillow when she was trying to give me a hug (It's a reflexive reaction to the childhood nick-name "CHEETO!" and her arms thrown around my neck.)

That explained, how am I supposed to deal with hand-holding? Kissing in public? Wandering hands?

I find myself a man at the end of summer of senior year that goes to a college very, very far away. That is how I deal.

2: When I insult him he doesn't notice.

When I am sarcastic in person, my tone always gives it away. So as long as I confine myself mostly to type, he is unaware that I repeatedly insult him.

Warning: If you date an English major they might understand your diction and syntax. Thus, no insulting, even in type.

3: When he makes me frustrated, he doesn't notice.

I never wanted to be one of those stereotypical girlfriends, always worried about the relationship and having heart-to-heart talks about misgivings. Now, I don't have to be--he never notices when he's upset me, so I probably seem less needy.

And when he doesn't contact me and I wait two days before responding when he finally does, he doesn't understand that my silence was my juvenile retribution.

4: No awkward conversations.

If I say, "the English language does not have an appropriate word to describe how I feel--thus I use "love," though it is inadequate*" He can reply, "Aww baby. We should make out," instead of addressing the issue of how much he loves me, or when he'll next see me.

Also, issues like family fights, deaths of loved ones, financial matters, or recurring depression never have to be mentioned.

5: Breakin' up isn't hard to do.

It's horrifically simple, really. A voice-message consisting of "This is too stressful--I think we'd be better off if we weren't a couple" (I would say as "friends" but that is a stupid lie); a call to Verizon to switch or block my phone number; a deletion of my email account and a block on Facebook; and the break is clean, no strings attached.

The only difficulty is when people (like my father) buy $10,000 engagement rings for women in Wisconsin and then breaks it off.

A lesson for men: Once you've bought the ring, don't end the engagement. If necessary, make them break up with you.

A bitter butterfly,

Regette

*Actually, a more appropriate word would be disgusted, but I doubt I could say that without offending him--thus I say love, though it is mixed with disgust and misgivings.