His hat?
Red- and green-striped elf hat.
Yeah.
What do you say when someone points out one of the most ridiculous things about them?
In my case, you just hand them their drink and hope they don't break out into "Jingle Bell Rock".
Anyway...
Today's post is going to be the ridiculously long satire I had to write for my ridiculously annoying language class.
Deal with it.
Holy Genocide, Comrade
Throughout life we are simultaneously taught “love thy neighbor” and “love yourself”. Wouldn’t it be more efficient to accomplish both at the same time? You can do this and more with just a simple change in the way our government is run. This change would make thy neighbor just like you. This change is communism.
History has shown us that the human race is incapable of a successful democracy. The fact is that there are too many individual opinions for the American public to possibly settle on one solution for every issue. Why not let someone else solve for us? With one power determining our personal futures, we will be free to focus on our personal lives rather than on the lives of others. Even the lives of others will be easier to understand, as they will be exactly like your own. This equality of lifestyles will end petty discrimination in our beautiful country.
Discrimination has always been rampant in the United States. Though we’ve passed various laws banning discriminatory behavior, it still runs wild through the streets of America. Communism would easily solve this problem. How could one hate another for their differences when they’re no different at all? By making everyone the same, we’ll be eliminating any harsh discrimination.
Of course, for everyone to be the same we must create a standard by which to measure people. Should everyone be straight or gay? Should everyone be a certain religion or should religion be abolished completely? Should divorce be illegal? Should a family’s number of children be limited? Once questions such as these are addressed and a definition of the “perfect person” is established, we will be free to create a perfect society.
Naturally, creating a perfect society will require a certain amount of brute force. While I trust most Americans will willingly adhere to our new behavioral requirements, there are bound to be troublemakers who believe in individuality and other such nonsense. These people are not mentally stable and are a threat to our way of life. Therefore, we have no choice but to eliminate them. Once these radicals are abolished, everyone will be free to live the perfect life handed to them.
It may seem rather extreme to place all our faith in one person, but it’s perfectly natural. Every society has a governing figure, be it an alpha wolf, a chief, or a president. Without it, the society would be chaotic and uncivilized. Since we already depend on our government to maintain order in our society, why not let it control our lives? This control may be the answer to our prayers (or nondenominational wishes). Clearly, it is the only the thing necessary for a truly civilized country.
While some traditionalists are against communism, I believe it will be the best thing to happen to this country since 9/11. Communism will revolutionize everything this country stands for, from its pathetic values to its outdated Pledge of Allegiance. “I pledge allegiance to what’s left of the United States of America and to the dictator for which it stands, one man controlling the nation, undefeatable, with uniformity and authority-dependence for all.” Now, doesn’t that sound pretty?
Oh, how much I loathe this class...
Less than three,
~ Summer
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