Summer's Disease

Waddup guys.

So today I'm going to educate you on the topic that no one wants to discuss...

Yes, you know what I'm talking about.  At least once in their life, everyone has to have that one talk involving that one word that begins with the letter "s".

You guessed it...

I'm going to educate you on schmarms.




Now, you may wonder "what's 'schmarms'? It sounds like a disease".  Well, young one, in a way it is a disease.  Once you catch a schmarm, it's impossible to get rid of it.  Once you've been schmarmed, you're schmarmed for life.

At this point you're probably thinking "WTF is a schmarm?! You haven't explained a bit, dimwit!" Patience, child.  I'm getting there.

One of the worst things about schmarms is that they're nearly impossible to identify at a glance.  Schmarms come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.  Here are some traits to watch out for:

1. Unecessary Bubble Popping

Of course, some touching is acceptable...  necessary, even.  However, there's a time and place for everything! So when someone taps you on the shoulder to get your attention, don't freak out.  However, DO freak out if they massage your shoulders/cover your eyes so you can't see them/put their head in your lap/constantly ask for a hug/grab your hand and keep it for an unecessary amount of time/put their arm around you without permission.  Because face it...  that's just weird.

2. Inability To Accept the Word "No"

For one thing, isn't that the top trait of a rapist? For another thing, "no" is the same in english and spanish for a reason...  because "no" means "no".  No more, no less.  Just no.  So when someone does any of the above actions and doesn't react when you call them out on it, RUN.  AND MAKE SURE YOU CAN RUN FASTER THAN THEM.  Also, when someone repeatedly asks questions like "so what movie are we gonna see" without requiring a specific answer, they're clearly boring and a bit obsessive.  Seriously, don't they have ANYTHING better to think about? Think about pie.  Pie's nice...

3. Sly Smile + Speech Pattern

You know those people that talk really slowly while constantly smiling a really slight smile? It sounds like I'm describing a stroke victim, but I swear I'm just describing a schmarm.  Unless it's a schmarmy stroke victim...  That's fair, I suppose.  Anyways.  You know those people that seem to be constanty talking softly and slowly without really saying anything? Yeah.  That's a schmarm, and a hardcore one at that.  And that sly smile? If it makes you want to throw up your stomach, chances are you're talking to a schmarm.

So those are just a few ways to help you tell the schmarms from the charms...  Unfortunately, there is no cure.  Once you've caught a schmarm, it never leaves... 

it.  Never.  LEAVES!

Although there is no cure, there are numerous support groups, the best of which being the following http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002450353100#!/pages/The-Daily-Dust/124185710995272.  If you have any questions on how to deal with your current affliction of schmarms, please consult our Q&A page http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002450353100#!/pages/The-Daily-Dust/124185710995272.

The most important thing to remember (other than to run faster than your schmarm, that is) is that there's no charm in schmarm.

No.  Charm.  In.  Schmarm.

Schmarms...  the newest and most contagious disease known to man/woman/hummingbird.  Spread the word.

Less than three,

~ Summer

p.s.  Share your schmarm stories on our facebook page! http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002450353100#!/pages/The-Daily-Dust/124185710995272

p.p.s.  "Schmarm" is on urban dictionary.  Search that shit.

p.p.p.s.  Why on EARTH didn't you click the link?! NOW you made Winnie the Pooh sad!  You're such a heartbreaker...