Over my life, I have become known for being anti-romantic.
For example, as my mother said to me once:
"I can't believe I raised such a bitter and jaded child"
and everyone else said: "You'll have a different opinion when you fall for a guy."
Guess what?
"Love" sucks. It still sucks. And yes, I have now "fallen" for a guy.
First of all, I adore food. I adore everything about food, and it usually adores me (or my butt actually, because as dad says, "Don't eat that or you'll get a big butt." Thanks dad.)
I can barely eat without wanting to throw up anymore, because my stomach is constantly in a love-sick mess. When I feel fine, the boy talks to me for hours and I forget to eat.
Secondly, I need sleep. I'm excellent at sleeping. I'll sleep perfectly from 9:30 to 6:30 every single day and feel rested and great in the morning.
Now I don't get sleep because I spend hours thinking insane love-addled thoughts.Hours I could be sleeping.
Lastly, I'm so hyped up on endorphins that caffeine is doing strange strange things to my mind. And that means the ultimate tragedy...
Just imagine me standing outside Starbucks at 12:00 at night with a boom-box blaring "Baby Come Back."
That's my life right now.
So I thought I'd offer a solution to this torment of "love":
A ken doll/ robot that looks exactly like Colin Firth during the swimming scene of the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice that has a string. Pull the string and he says, "You are perfectly right" in a British accent. Then it makes a cup of coffee.
Your butterfly,
Regette
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