The Beast/Beauty Conundrum-or rather, the most important, fundamental rule of Reg's existence

I recently watched Beauty and the Beast and felt supremely disappointed. Why would any beautiful, smart woman willingly love an ugly beast that threw temper tantrums, when she could’ve had a rich manly-man?

I also recently read The Phantom of the Opera. I felt extraordinarily disappointed at the end. Why did the beautiful (though admittedly less-than-averagely-intelligent) woman end up with the rich manly-man while the ugly beast that threw temper tantrums (that ended up in vastly more deaths than Beauty and the Beast) died alone after letting her go?

After I finished The Phantom of the Opera, I thought that it seemed eerily familiar. Then I remembered Beauty and the Beast. I had already formed my opinions on both of these pieces before recognizing their similarities. These contradictory views are making my head pound with cognitive dissonance just trying to compare them (That, or the pounding is because I had 5 mugs of delicious bean juice/liquid love/coffee yesterday, I have as of yet had none today).

Essentially, I am left with the question “Is the Beast/Beauty fairytale ending preferable, or the Beauty/Brawny?” It seems from my reaction to both that neither makes me any happier than the other. One incites my bitterness “Why do pretty people always end up together!?” The other halts my suspension of disbelief one must endure for Disney movies and Shakespeare plays with, “Why would a pretty person end up with a beast?”

My musing may be solved with some low-down, back-handed Disney magic: at the end of Beauty and the Beast, the Beast turns into what Disney must believe is a little girl’s ideal, handsome prince (though the prince looks suspiciously like an 80’s hair-metal lead guitarist [I would know this, but I will leave convincing the world of my near-god-like 80’s hair metal trivia status at a later date]). Therefore, in the end it is Beauty/Brawny again, the only difference less people brutally murdered. Thus proving a Beauty/Beast pairing is a fictitious. It does not exist, even in fairy tales.

An argument may be, “In Shrek they both become Ogres!”. Yet that is just it. They both become Ogres, essentially Beast/Beast action. If Fiona could have stayed beautiful, maybe, just maybe I would appreciate the ending of a love story.

But it would disprove one of my fundamental rules of life, and I don’t want to have to update the rules :

Rule 5) A couple can not be more than 3 steps apart on the scales of hotness or intelligence.

Corollary: Great wealth voids this rule.

Your butterfly,
Regette “au contraire” Henesey

p.s. Here is an extra-special-bonus fundamental rule of my life:

Rule 9) You must not date anyone younger than half plus seven years of your age. In example: Gliff wants to date Sugar. Sugar is 17. Gliff is 22 years old. Half of Gliff’s age is 11. 11 plus 7 equals 18. The youngest person Gliff can date is 18. Sorry, Gliff.

Corollary 1: This rule works in reverse with the oldest you may date, but is more difficult to find. I want to date Gliff’s older brother. He is 34. Half of 34 is 17. 17 plus 7 equals 24. Shucks, I can’t date Gliff’s rich, attractive brother.

Corollary 2: Richness and attractiveness makes Corollary 1 void.