Inlaws and Outlaws; which side will Reg choose?

It's not a secret that in my family, not a lot of people get along with each other very well (and the ones that do are merely very good at pretending.) This occurred perhaps as an inevitable side effect of the outbreak of divorces in my family--everyone that has been married, has been divorced at least once (Grandmother and Papa currently hold first and second place, with 7 and 5 respectively [but this isn't a competition])

Of course, we usually get along pretty well without seeing each other, or having any form of communication whatsoever. Yet there comes those events such as births, deaths, weddings--events which are obligatory for the entire family to attend.

Guess what?

I'm graduating.

I just said the f-word but did not type it for Sayuri's sake.

What do I do?

There are Grandmother plus her 6 children and their families, and they dislike every other branch of my family because... they can?

There are Grandma and her husband, who dislike Grandmother and one of which will threaten to kill Grandpa. The first thing Grandma will say upon seeing my Grandpa? "Well, there's 'The A**hole.'"

There are Grandpa and his wife, who dislike Grandmother and are oblivious to the rest of the hate-in.

There are my step-brother and my ex-step-father, who do not really hate anyone but are shunned by everyone else because they aren't "blood". That and my ex-step father is Grandma's daughter's ex-husband.(making my step brother my cousin...I think this calls for a diagram because I can't even see you but I know you are making that "breaking social norm" face of disgust) There was also some bad life choices made in the 1980's around this time. Psychedelic life choices, if you catch my drift.

There is poor senile papa, who will think I am my mother. This will lead to some very sad conversations about the time in 1970 when I got lost in my Auntie's house in Boston but was found in the estate's kennels petting the purebred Irish Setters.

And then there is dad's girlfriend, whom I love dearly. But grandma thinks she's a whore (perhaps she is, but Dad is infinitely worse. And she's not 20 something and a stripper).

What do I do?

Well, I trick them into the same room with the promise of food, shut the door, and run.

I never stop running.

Your butterfly,
Regette

My family, in a perfect world.

 

My actual family. Notice that my mother divorced my dad and then married my dad's sister's 1st ex-husband. So, yes, weird. But not creepy weird.